I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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