Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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