The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
