With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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