Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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