so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
