i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Found the puke drawer
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
