The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
