dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
