I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
