Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
