I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
