You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
