I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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