the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
