I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
