is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
