you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he shaved USA in his pubs
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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