I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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