Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This is classic penis vs brain.
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