Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
