Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
