I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
