I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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