I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
