that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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