I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
