worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
