Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
