I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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