i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
