What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
