I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
