Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
