All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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