I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
