I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
