Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
