Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You can't motorboat a personality
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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