Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
