If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
