It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
