I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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