god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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