Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
