just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
