my vag is so smooth its legendary
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
