I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
