Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
