Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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