I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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