I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
