My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
