Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i think i have two assholes
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
